Agreement to avoid a #Metoo allegation in future

AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX!

*Due to the current and often false allegations made by women, which include Rape, Harassment, Blackmail etc. there is now an agreement to be signed before "action".*

AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX

I, ___________________, the undersigned female partner (herein referred to as the 'Screwee'), am about to enjoy sexual intercourse with _________________ (hereafter referred to as the 'Screwer'), certify the following:

1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent.

2. THAT I am not under the influence of liquor or any narcotic.

3. THAT the afore mentioned Screwer did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

4. THAT I, the Screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoever.

5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him.

6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not and neither do I care.

7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk.

8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him; because I love it and want it as much as he does.

9. THAT in the event that I receive full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance the capacity and willingness for further participation at regular intervals.

10. THAT I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him in the event that,

  (a) I contract an STD

  (b) I become pregnant

  (c) I feel that he is violating any legislation - moral, legal or otherwise.

SIGNED BEFORE JUMPING INTO BED ON THIS ___ DAY OF _____ (MONTH) ________ (YEAR) AT ______ (AM/PM)

_______________________

(Signature of Screwee) 

-------------------------------------

(Signature of Screwer)

#Metoo effect 😃

#Metoo

#Metooproof

#Metooproofagreement

Sunder Pichai and the Cockroach Theory for Self Development - a must read

Sunder Pichai-Cockroach Theory -Don't miss to read

A beautiful speech by Sundar Pichai - an IIT-MIT Alumnus and Global Head Google Chrome:

The cockroach theory for self development

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.

She started screaming out of fear.

With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of those people to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach, that disturbed the ladies.

I realised that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:

I understood, I should not *react* in life.

I should always *respond.*

The women *reacted,* whereas the waiter *responded.*

*Reactions*  are always instinctive whereas *Responses*  are always well thought of.

A beautiful way to understand............LIFE.

Person who is HAPPY is not because Everything is RIGHT in his Life..

He is HAPPY because his Attitude towards Everything in his Life is Right.

World's dangerous joke that can fracture your bones - Joke?!

World's dangerous joke that can fracture your bones.

Teacher: "From where did the word 'wife' come from?"

Student: "Ma'am, it is derived by taking the first 2 & last 2 alphabets from the word 'WILDLIFE'."

"And, the remaining words 'LDLI' are for the husband:

Last Day of Living Independently.".

👏👍😁👆

Funny - Prostitute, high-end call girl and poultry farming

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

*The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."*

*He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"*

*"I'm a prostitute," she says.*

*The accountant is taken aback and says, "That's too gross. Let's try to re-phrase that."*

*The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".*

*"No, that still won't work. Need something more acceptable."*

*They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."*

*The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?"*

*"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."*

*Chartered Acct : "Brilliant !! *"Poultry Farmer"** *it is !!! and agricultural income is tax free"*

🤣🤣😂😂😜😜😎😎

🐥🐔🐣🐤🦆😱🤣😛😃😎

Question: What is the best advice your mother ever gave you? Answer by Jonathan Pettit

Question: What is the best advice your mother ever gave you?

Answer By Jonathan Pettit

I was about ten. My mom had just finished creating one of her amazing meals, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Delicious. Later, as I was washing the dishes, my mom came up to me. "Sorry, dinner was so awful again," she said.

I was shocked. "What? No, it was great. I loved it."

"Really?" she said, with mock surprise. "You always eat so quietly, never saying anything. You've never told me you liked my cooking, so I thought you hated it."

"No, you're the best cook I know."

"Then you should tell me that," she said. "Whenever someone does something nice for you, you should thank that person. If you don't, then she might think she's not appreciated and stop doing those nice things."

Something clicked right then. From that day onward, I thanked everyone for literally everything. If anyone did something that even vaguely helped me, I thanked that person profusely. It became a habit, something I didn't even think about, and that's when the magic started happening.

People liked me more. They talked to me more, shared with me, were more friendly. In my first year of high school, during the final week, I came home and found a giant freezie (a kind of sweet frozen snack) waiting for me. "Thanks, mom!" I said instinctively.

"This isn't from me, she said. "This is from your bus driver." He had been driving that bus for years, and my siblings and I were the first people to ever thank him as we got dropped off. Those two simple words made a huge difference, so much so that he went out of his way to tell our mom and give us a present.

That's the power of appreciation. When you have it, all is right in the world, but when it's missing life is empty. My mom taught me many things, but taking two seconds to say 'thank you' every time, in any situation, was the best.

*Debriefing of this Story*

You would have met people who call themselves as good critics but have you ever met a person who says I am good at appreciating others? Isn't that a sad part of our society?

Let's start appreciating people more frequently especially people who are close to us. 

"The sweetest of all sounds is praise"

If you care for your Brain, sleep for 8hrs-If you care for your Eyes, massage your feet with oil before going to bed

If you care for your Brain, sleep for 8hrs.

If you care for your Eyes , massage your feet with oil before going to bed.

If you care for your *Ears* , pour garlic mixed oil in ears frequently.

If you care for your *Nose* , eat mint regularly.

If you care for your *Mouth* , gargle frequently with gingelly( Sesamum ) oil.

If you care for your *Throat* , Use pepper frequently,

If you care for your *Lungs* avoid smoking.

If you care for your *Heart* , avoid excess salt.

If you care for your *Liver* , avoid excessive fatty food.

If you care for your *Stomach* , avoid cold food.

If you care for your *Intestine* , replace junk food with vegetables.

If you care for your *Pancreas* , avoid overfeeding.

If you care for your *Kidney* :drink a lot of water during the day;

drink less water at night;

empty your bladder before going to bed. 

If you care for your *Urinary tract* , use raw onion regularly.

If you care for your *Menstruation* , use green gram regularly.

If you care for your *Appendix* , use lemon juice frequently.

If you care for *others* , tell them these.

Joke-New born and WhatsApp habit

The nurse handed over the new born to the mother and said, "Congratulations, it is a baby boy!"

The mother silently handed over the kid to her husband. 

The husband placed the boy in his sister's hands. She gave the kid to her husband. He handed over the kid to his parents. They in turn gave to the kid's grandparents. The grandparents handed over the kid to a visitor there. The visitor returned the child back to the mother in bed. 

The new born child was worried. "What is happening, mama?", he enquIred. 

"What to do, they all are addicted to this WhatsApp habit. Forwarding as soon as they receive", mother said.

😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

Joke-A dying granny leaves her granddaughter farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".

 

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."

☺️😊

Funny-Tough time is like physical exercise

Tough time is like physical exercise, You may not like it while you are doing it, but tomorrow you'll be stronger because of it….                                                                                                     😁🌞Good Morning. Have a nice weekend.🌞😁

Challenging Puzzle for people who got their brain filled with IQ

A very simple but confusing puzzle.

A lady buys goods worth rs.200 from a shop. (shopkeeper selling the goods with zero profit).

The lady gives him 1000 rs note. The shopkeeper gets the change from the next shop and keeps 200 for himself and returns rs.800 to d lady.

Later the shopkeeper of the next shop comes with the 1000rs note saying "duplicate" and takes his money back.

How much LOSS did the shopkeeper face ?

A. 200

B. 800

C. 1200

D. 1800

E. 2000

F. 1600

G. Other

Simple yet confusing and challenging.

Puzzle Only for people who got their brain filled with IQ.

Jeevan Praman Digital Life Certificate for Pensioners in India

Pensioners Life Certificate Central for Government Employees in India

For submission of Jeevan Praman to bank every year in Nov/Dec, now no need to go to bank.

Just login at the websitesite https://jeevanpramaan.gov.in

Click generate live certificate.  Give your Adhar number.  It sends OTP to your mobile.  Feed it and you will get your live certificate within seconds.

Good initiative by Govt. of India. 

Please share this very useful information to our pensioners.

Jeevan Praman 

Digital Life Certificate for Pensioners in India

https://jeevanpramaan.gov.in/#

Million Dollar Truth - Wife is CUTE when she is MUTE - Funny Message

Million Dollar Truth

Wife is CUTE when she is MUTE

And

Husband is HONEY when he gives MONEY

👰🏻🔕🤵🏻💰👫

😆🙂

Joke-SBI has decided to auction Vijay Mallya's bungalow-2018

SBI has decided 30 Aug 2018 to auction Vijay Mallya's bungalow in Vile Parle, Mumbai.

Space - 35000 sqft

Amount - auction will start from 450 crore rupees.

If anyone in the group wants to buy please check. I am not buying as it is difficult to get maid for house cleaning and who will clean 35000 sqft.

Note: It was my duty to tell you all. Please check if interested

#funny

#joke

Funny-Tips for Success-Guru Imrn Khan

Behind every Successful Man, there is a Woman.

If you are still not achieving Success, Change Woman. And keep changing Woman till you get success.

Guru Imrn Khan

Killer one-Discussion about arranged marriage and love marriage

😂Discussion about arranged marriage—

English man : how could you marry a woman before  knowing her?🤔

Indian man : how could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her? 🙄

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Free second opinion from an expert doctors panel - avoid unwanted surgeries, risky premature cataract surgeries

Corporate hospitals are paying a salary of 1½ lakh per month to their doctors.

But they have monthly targets.

the target condition for them to remain in job is that, they have to write tests & scans worth 3 lakhs & trap 25 patients for surgery every month.

This is not happening in Charity Hospitals.

In many hospitals, unwanted surgeries & risky premature cataract surgeries are being carried out. One has to be fearful of corporate hospitals.

Never show your medical Insurance card or say "Doctor, don't bother about expense, please save Me"

If they terrify u & do not give time to think then, You must be alert & come out and not join there

If they advise a surgery or a medical procedure,then. Take time & call at *70266 46022* or send ur medical reports at medical@medisense.me or else visit at medisensehealth.com They will get u a 2nd opinion from an expert doctors panel. It is a free service for patients.

This free service for patients is available in 21 cities in India which includes Udupi, Mangalore, Bangalore, Pune, Mumbai, Chennai, Hyderabad etc.

Please pass on to all u r loved ones.

I just now did!😃🙋‍

*As received.*

Killer Jokes-Two great Kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives

Teacher - Can you please tell the name of 2 great Kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives ?"

Student :

"Smo-king & Drin-king " !!!

Teacher Resigned !😂😂😇😇

Teacher: Who was Akbar ?  

Boy: Akbar was Gay. 

Teacher:- What, Are you mad ? Why did you say that? 

‎

Boy:- We have heard Laila - Majnu, Romeo-Juliet  

But Only 

Akbar - Birbal !

Teacher died😂😂😂

This 1 is a killer 1 .....

Teacher : students.. On britannia tiger biscuit cover,there is a green dot. Wat does that mean? 

Student : tiger is online.. .😂😂

Joke-Subjects taught at the new Jio Institute of Eminence

The new Jio Institute of Eminence will be teaching subjects like Jiography, Jiometry, Jiology, Jiornalism, Jingoism, etc.

If you have not studied these subjects, your career may be in jiopardy.

😂😂😂😂

Joke-PhD from Jio Institute for research

Hi friends, 

Happy to share the news that I have received a Ph.D from *Jio Institute* for the research that I am yet to do.

😉

Joke-Discussion by a couple over mobile late at night

Discussion by a couple over mobile late at night. 

Wife : _Where are you? Speaking so tensed. What happend?_

Husband : _I'm in the car dear. But  the steering wheel, clutch pedal, brake pedal, accelarator pedal are all  stolen from our car.. What to do??_

Wife : *You drunk again??*

Husband : _..A little... but how does that matter? Think about the car first..._

Wife :  *Expected..  You idiot.. Change from left seat to the right seat. You'll find everything.....*

🍺🍻🍷🥃🍾

Nobody knows you better than your WIFE..💐 🙏😂

Must read very useful Tips - How to give a Shine to your Hair, How to get rid of ants

Must read very useful:

😴😀 SOMETHING YOU 

           MIGHT HAVE NOT 

           KNOWN And NEED 

           TO KNOW !!

🐜  Ants Problem:

       Ants hate Cucumbers. 

       "KEEP the skin of 

        Cucumbers near the 

        Place where they are

        or at Ant Hole.   

 🎆  To make the Mirror 

        Shine:

        "Clean with Sprite"

 

  💨 To remove Chewing 

        Gum from Clothes:

        "Keep the Cloth in 

        the Freezer for One 

        Hour"

 

💭   To Whiten White 

        Clothes:

        "Soak White Clothes 

        in hot water with a 

        Slice of Lemon for 10 

        Minutes" 

 

 🙇  To give a Shine to 

        your Hair: 

        "Add one Teaspoon 

        of Vinegar to Hair, 

        then wash Hair"

 

 🍋  To get maximum 

        Juice out of Lemons:

        "Soak Lemons in Hot 

        Water for One Hour, 

        and then juice them" 

 

🍞  To avoid smell of 

       Cabbage while 

       cooking: 

       "Keep a piece of 

        Bread on the 

        Cabbage in the 

        Vessel while cooking"

 

👕  To remove Ink from 

       Clothes:

       "Put Toothpaste 🍥 

       on the Ink Spots 

       generously and let it 

       dry completely, then 

       wash"

 

🐀  To get rid of Mice or 

       Rats: 

       "Sprinkle Black 

       Pepper in places 

       where you find Mice & 

       Rats. They will run 

       away"

 🍸 Take Water Before 

       Bedtime..

       "About 90% of Heart 

       Attacks occur Early in 

       the Morning & it can 

       be reduced if one 

       takes a Glass or two 

       of Water before going 

       to bed at Night"

 💐 We Know Water is 

       important but never 

       knew about the 

       Special Times one 

       has to drink it.. !!

       Did you  ???  

 💦 Drinking Water at the 

       Right Time ⏰ 

       Maximizes its 

       effectiveness on the 

       Human Body;

       1⃣  1 Glass of Water 

              after waking up -

             🕕⛅ helps to 

              activate internal 

              organs..

       2⃣  1 Glass of Water 

              30 Minutes  🕧 

              before a Meal - 

              helps digestion..

       3⃣ 1 Glass of Water 

              before taking a 

              Bath 🚿 - helps 

              lower your blood 

              pressure.

       4⃣ 1 Glass of Water 

              before going to 

              Bed - 🕙 avoids 

              Stroke  or Heart 

              Attack.

      'When someone 

       shares something of 

       value with you and 

       you benefit from  it, 

       You have a moral 

       obligation to share it 

       with others too.'

I have done mine...😄

 🏁___🐎______________🐢...

send this to three groups and see the  magic.the tortoise will pass the horse.

Parcel from amma jaan - funny

Our Building security guard called me sometime back on the intercom: Sir, amma jaan ne parcel bheja hai...

Me: Kaun amma jaan?

Building security guard: Wohi amma jaan jo sabko parcel bhejtee hain....

Turned out to be a package from Amazon!!😅

Parcel from amma jaan - funny

Our Building security guard called me sometime back on the intercom: Sir, amma jaan ne parcel bheja hai...

Me: Kaun amma jaan?

Building security guard: Wohi amma jaan jo sabko parcel bhejtee hain....

Turned out to be a package from Amazon!!😅

A Wife is a Wife - Cool one!

A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little while and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.

.

.

But his wife shouted

 "I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"!!

Husband...   "😱😱😱😱"

Moral : A Wife is a Wife 

No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife.

Swami Unknownananda😜😜

Essay on duck - Rubbish

Essay on duck:

I like duck. Duck lives in water. I also drink water. My neighbour uncle drink alcohol. Alcohol is very bad. It was told by Gandhiji. He was a good person. He had one stick. Stick swim in water.Duck also swim in water. Duck take bath in water. Me too take bath in water. I take bath only in 5 mins but duck take bath full day. That is why duck is so white.. I like duck so much bcoz i love drinking milk... Milk is white in colour and blue is my favourite colour.. Holi is festival of colours...

Moral of the story .. Send Anything On Whatsapp!! People still read it..!

Coming soon.. An essay on Fish...😜😋

Patient to Doctor - I have a problem with my eyes - funny

🇵​🇦​🇹​🇮​🇪​🇳​🇹​: 

Dr, I have a problem with my eyes. I see something coming from far but when i reach there its nothing  there.

🇩​🇴​🇨​🇹​🇴​🇷​: 

it's a new disease called .... 

"6th Pay commission   Revision Arrears deficiency syndrome!!!

😂😀

Dedicated to all Govt. Employees 😂 !

REAL Neurological screening Test - From Dr Justin Jones Melbourne

From *Dr Justin Jones* in Melbourne:

 This is a *REAL Neurological screening Test*

Sit comfortably and feel calm.You should be able to complete all 3 tests within 30 seconds or even less.

1. Find the letter C from below. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

2. If you have already found the letter C, now find the digit 6 from below. 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999969999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 

3. Now find the letter N from below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 

------

If you are able to pass this 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having AlzheimerDisease. Congratulations !!! If you need to relook, that may be an early sign of an aging brain....... And its not a joke. . . . . . There is C, 6, and N in those crowdy lines. Keep healthy and a wishing you all a bright day ahead...🌝🌝🌝 Please take this test. You'll be  surprised how many won't be able to find it even after multiple attempts

*Keep Sharing*

7-Questions, 7 Marks, Passing Marks 5 - whatsapp challenge

7-Questions, 7 Marks, Passing marks 5

Q1. Which alphabet is a question?

Q2. Which alphabet is an insect?

Q3. Which alphabet is a part of our body?

Q4. Which alphabet is a tool?

Q5. Which alphabet is a drink?

Q6. Which alphabet is a source of salt?

Q7. Which alphabet is a vegetable? 

pl. try , Come back with ur answers !😊

#whatsappchallenge

Ans:

1.Y

2. b 

3. i 

4. X

5. t 

6. c 

7. p

REAL Neurological screening Test - test your brain function - FREE and Fast

From *Dr Justin Jones* in Melbourne:

 This is a *REAL Neurological screening Test*

Sit comfortably and feel calm.You should be able to complete all 3 tests within 30 seconds or even less.

1. Find the letter C from below. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

2. If you have already found the letter C, now find the digit 6 from below. 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999969999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 

3. Now find the letter N from below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 

If you are able to pass this 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having Alzheimer's disease. Congratulations !!! If you need to relook, that may be an early sign of an aging brain....... And its not a joke. . . . . . There is C, 6, and N in those crowdy lines. Keep healthy and a wishing you all a bright day ahead...🌝🌝🌝 Please take this test. You'll be  surprised how many won't be able to find it even after multiple attempts

*Keep Sharing*

The Art of Leaving ashram in London - Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi

Heard that Lalit Modi, Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi are starting an ashram in the south of London.🤔

It is going to be called"The Art of Leaving". 😎😉😃

#funny

#satire

#sarcastic

How to be Vijay Malya or Nirav Modi - Crash course to become Vijay Malya or Nirav Modi - Modus operandi

Crash course to become Vijay Malya or Nirav Modi ...

Take X amount loan from bank A.

Take 2X amount loan from bank B.

Repay X loan of bank A.

Since your credit rating is good bank A now willingly gives you 4X amout loan.

Repay 2X amount loan of bank B.

Now bank B will willingly provide you 8X loan.

Use this to repay bank A loan , continue this (  with help of personal contacts in bank and few politicians) till loan reaches more than 1000X , then book a flight out of india ... Simple ...

Guess which woman I'm going to marry

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the one in the middle." He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!" 😂😂😂😂

Silent Letters - we ignore some letters eg letter 'H' in Hour, Honest, Honor.. E.t.c, Why?

When I was in school I used to ask a lot of questions.

One Day I asked our English teacher:     

       

Well, in pronunciation we ignore some letters eg letter 'H' in Hour, Honest, Honor.. E.t.c, Why?

Teacher: Not ignoring, they are considered silent.

(I was even more confused).🤔🤔

During Lunch break teacher asked me to heat her packed lunch in the cafeteria.

I ate all the food and returned an empty container.

Teacher: What happened, I told you to go and HEAT my food??

Me: Mmmmh Madam I thought 'H' was silent

😜😜😜😜🤣🤣

India-New liquor rates update after GST-Most useful message!

New rates update after GST

*Bagpiper*

750 ml @ Rs.282

375ml @ Rs.141

180ml Tetra @ Rs.68 

90ml @ Rs.43

*Black Dog Centenary deluxe scotch whiskey*

2ltr @ Rs.2888

750ml @ Rs.1250

375ml @ Rs.625

180ml @ Rs.309

60ml @ Rs.110

*8 pm*

1ltr @ Rs.279

750ml @ Rs.234

375ml @ Rs.117

180ml @ Rs.57

*Blenders Pride*

750ml @ Rs.1050

375ml @ Rs.460

180ml @ Rs.230

60ml @ Rs.80

*Antiquity Blue*

750ml @ Rs.1050

375ml @ Rs.530

180ml @ Rs.270

60ml @ Rs.90

*Antiquity rare*

750ml @ Rs.900

175ml @ Rs.450

180ml @ Rs.230

60mlb @ Rs.80

*Ballanties*

750ml @ Rs.1600

50ml @ Rs.150

*Jack Daniels*

750ml @ Rs. 3697

*Blue Lable*

750ml @ Rs. 29965

*DSP Black*

750ml @ Rs.420

375ml @ Rs.210

180ml @ Rs.102

60ml @ Rs.42

90ml @ Rs.55

*DSP*

1Ltr @ Rs.470

750ml @ Rs.392

375ml @ Rs.196

180ml Tetra@ Rs.95

90ml @ Rs.48

60ml @ Rs.38

*Chivas Regal*

4.5ltr @ Rs. 23100

750ml @ Rs.3800

*C-R. 18yrs*

750ml @Rs. 8650

*Jameson Irish*

750ml @ Rs.1800

*Glenlivet 12 years*

750ml @ Rs.4500

*Dewars White Label*

750ml @ Rs.1550

*Green Lable*

750ml @ Rs.420

375ml @ Rs.210

180ml @ Rs.101

*Jim Beam*

750ml @ Rs.1557

*Black Dog 12years*

2Ltr@ Rs.5520

750ml @ Rs.2250

375ml @ Rs.1100

180ml @ Rs.560

60ml @ Rs.180

*Haig Gold Label*

750ml @ Rs.758

180ml @ Rs.183

60ml @ Rs.63

*Imperial Blue*

750ml @ Rs.478

375ml @ Rs.239

180ml @ Rs.116

*Officers Choice Whisky*

750ml @ Rs.282

375ml @ Rs.141

180ml @ Rs.68

90ml @ Rs.43

*Red Lable*

750ml @ Rs.1950

350ml @ Rs.835

200ml @ Rs.405

50ml @ Rs.190

*MC Whisky*

1Ltr @ Rs.604

2Ltr @ Rs.1209

750ml @ Rs.478

375ml @ Rs.239

180ml @ Rs.116

90ml   @ Rs.64

60ml   @ Rs.47

*Red knight*

180ml @ Rs.81

750ml @ Rs.329

375ml @ Rs.198

*PETER SCOTCH W*

750ML @ Rs.951

375ml @ Rs.476

180ml @ Rs.235

*Royal Stag*

750ml @ Rs.622

375ml @ Rs.311

180ml @ Rs.150

60ml @ Rs.56

*Maquintosh*

750ml @ Rs.528

180ml @ Rs.128

*Royal Chalenge*

2ltrl @ Rs.1730

1Ltr @ Rs.910

750ml @ Rs.696

375ml @ Rs.348

180ml @ Rs.169

60ml @ Rs.61

*Signature*

2Ltr @ Rs.1975

1Ltr @ Rs.1054

750ml @ Rs.791

375ml @ Rs.395

180ml @ Rs.192

60ml @ Rs.70

*GOLD LABLE*

750ml @ Rs.6884

*Vat 69*

750 ml @ Rs.1290

375ml @ Rs.680

180ml @ Rs.350

1Ltr @ Rs.1273

60ml @ Rs.112

*Maq Sc Whisky*

90ml @ Rs.130

750ml @ Rs.1058

180ml @ Rs. 260

*Passport Scotch Whisky*

750ml @ Rs.825

*ARISTOCRAT -WY*

750ml @ Rs.322

180ML @ Rs.78

*Teachers Hiland*

1Ltr @ Rs.1961

750ml @ Rs.1471

375ml @ Rs.735

180ml @ Rs.360

60ml @ Rs.118

*Teachers 50*

750ml @ Rs. 2275

375ml @ Rs.1193

180ml @ Rs. 611

60ml @ Rs. 205

*Jura s Malt 10 yrs*

700ml@Rs. 3300

Something Special

750ml @Rs.1688

*J & B Rare*

750ml @ Rs.1990

*Cutty Sark scotch*

50ml @ Rs. 290

750ml @ Rs.1231

*Dewars 12 years scotch*

750ml @ Rs. 3400

*De Aberfeldy* scotch12 years

750ml @ Rs.7000

*D Y C whisky*

750ml @ Rs.494

375ml @ Rs.247

180ml @ Rs.123

*Whyte & Macky whisky*

750ml @ Rs.1361

375ml @ Rs.705

180ml@Rs 351

60ml @ Rs 117

*Old Smaggler*

750m @ Rs.999

60ml @ Rs.85

*Black Dog* 18 Years Old

750ml @ Rs.7800

*Haywards Fine Whisky*

90ml @ Rs.25v 

180ml Tetra@ Rs.49

 

Most useful message till date in history of what's app 👆👆👆👆

POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The grocer was happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The politician was very happy and left the shop. 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 

_REMEMBER:_

*POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.*

If you don't forward this, nothing bad will happen. 

But someone will miss a good laugh... 😀

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her!

*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY*

*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.*😆😆😆🤣😂

_~By Lee Majors_

*After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.* 🤣😤😂

 _~By Al Gore_

*By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.*🤔🤣😤😂

 _~By Socrates_ 

*Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.* 🤣😤😂

 _~By Mike Tyson_

*The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?*🤣😤😂

 _~By George Clooney_ 

*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.* 😄😂😤🤣

 _~By Bill Clinton_

*"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."*😤😤😂 

 _~By George W. Bush_ 

*"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."* 🤣😤😂

 _~By Rudy Giuliani_ 

*"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!*🤣😂😂

 _~By Donald Trump_ 

*Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming*🤔😤

 *1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,*

 *2. Whenever you're right, shut up.* 

 _~By Shaquille O'Neal_

*The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.*😱😰👊🏻😤🤣😂

 _~By Kobe Bryant_ 

*You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.*😉😤😂

 _~By David Hasselhoff_

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.*😜🤣

 _~By Alec Baldwin_ 

*A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.*😂

 _~By Barack Obama_ 

*Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.*😤😂

 _~By Tommy Lee_

*A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."*😂

 _~By Brad Pitt_

*First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"*

*Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."* 😤🤣

 _~ By Jimmy Kimmel_

*"First there is the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing!*🤣😤😂

 _~By Jay Leno_

*"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"*🤣😤😂

 _~By Brandon Breezy_

*Forward this to all the guys to give them a good laugh .......and to the ladies with good sense of humour who can handle it!!!!!!!😀😀😀*

എന്താണ് അക്ഷയ സെന്ററുകൾ, എന്തിനാണ് അവ

*എന്താണ് അക്ഷയ സെന്ററുകൾ.  എന്തിനാണ് അവ* *സ്ഥാപിക്കപ്പെട്ടിട്ടുള്ളത്?*

അക്ഷയ മുഖാന്തിരം മാത്രമാണോ നമുക്ക് സർട്ടിഫിക്കറ്റുകളും മറ്റു സേവനങ്ങളും ലഭ്യമാകുന്നത്?

പല സർട്ടിഫിക്കറ്റുകൾക്കുമായി നമ്മൾ സർക്കാർ ഓഫീസുകളിൽ ചെല്ലുമ്പോൾ കേൾക്കാറുള്ള മറുപടിയാണ് "അതൊക്കെ ഇപ്പോൾ അക്ഷയ വഴിയാണ്, അക്ഷയയിൽ ചെല്ലൂ" എന്നൊക്കെ.  

എന്നാൽ ശ്രദ്ധിക്കൂ: ശരിക്കും നമ്മൾ അക്ഷയയിൽ പോകണമെന്ന് നിർബന്ധമില്ല.  സർക്കാർ സേവനങ്ങൾ ഓൺലൈനായി ഏതൊരു പൗരനും സ്വയം നിർവ്വഹിക്കാവുന്നതാണ്. 

അക്ഷയ സെന്ററിൽ ചെയ്യുന്ന കാര്യങ്ങളിൽ 95 ശതമാനം കാര്യങ്ങളും സാമാന്യം ഇന്റർനെറ്റ് പരിജ്ഞാനമുള്ള ആർക്കും സ്വന്തം കമ്പ്യൂട്ടർ / സ്മാർട്ട് ഫോൺ ഉപയോഗിച്ച് ചെയ്യാവുന്നതേയുള്ളൂ. രേഖകൾ സ്കാൻ ചെയ്യാൻ CS scanner പോലെയുള്ള App ഉപയോഗപ്പെടുത്താം.

പലർക്കും ഇക്കാര്യം അറിയില്ല. എന്നിട്ട് ഏതൊരു ആവശ്യത്തിനും അക്ഷയ സെൻററിലേക്ക് ഓടുന്നു. അവിടെ മണിക്കൂറുകൾ കാത്തു നിൽക്കുന്നു. അവർ പറയുന്ന കാഷ് കൊടുക്കുന്നു (തോന്നിയ മാതിരിയാണ് പല അക്ഷയ സെൻററും ഫീസ് ഈടാക്കുന്നത്). കമ്പ്യൂട്ടർ / ഇന്റർ നെറ്റ് പരിജ്ഞാനമില്ലാത്തവർക്ക് വേണ്ടിയാണ് അക്ഷയ സെന്ററുകൾ സ്ഥാപിക്കപ്പെട്ടിട്ടുള്ളത്.

അക്ഷയ സെന്ററിനെ ആശ്രയിക്കുന്ന പലരും ഇന്റർനെറ്റും ഇ-മെയിലും നന്നായി ഉപയോഗിക്കുന്നവരും വീട്ടിൽ കമ്പ്യൂട്ടർ ഉള്ളവരും ആകും. കൂടാതെ എല്ലാ മാസവും നല്ലൊരു സംഖ്യ നെറ്റ് ഉപയോഗിക്കാൻ മൊബൈൽ ഫോണിൽ റീചാർജ് ചെയ്യുന്നവരും ആയിരിക്കും.

നമ്മുടെ ഫോണിലെ നെറ്റ് സൗകര്യം Tethering / Hotspot സംവിധാനം വഴി കമ്പ്യൂട്ടറുമായി ബന്ധിപ്പിച്ച് കമ്പ്യൂട്ടറിലും നെറ്റ് എടുക്കാം. എന്നിട്ട് ഏത് ഓൺലൈൻ പ്രവൃത്തികളും ചെയ്യാം.

അപ്പോൾ ഒരു സംശയം വരും. സർക്കാർ സംവിധാനങ്ങളുടെ വെബ്സൈറ്റ് അഡ്രസ് എവിടന്ന് ലഭിക്കും?

kerala.gov.in ആണ് കേരള സർക്കാറിന്റെ ഔദ്യോഗിക വെബ്സൈറ്റ് വിലാസം. മറ്റ് സർക്കാർ സംവിധാനങ്ങളുടെ ലിങ്ക് ഈ സൈറ്റിൽ കാണും. അല്ലെങ്കിൽ ഗൂഗിളിൽ ജസ്റ്റ് search ചെയ്യുക.

ഉദാഹരണത്തിന് പഞ്ചായത്തിൽ കെട്ടിട നികുതി ഓൺലൈൻ അടക്കണം എന്ന് കരുതുക. ഗൂഗിൾ തുറന്ന് pay property tax online Kerala എന്ന് ടൈപ്പ് ചെയ്ത് Search ചെയ്യുകയേ വേണ്ടൂ. ഗൂഗിൾ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് വഴി കാട്ടും.

*ഓർക്കുക : അക്ഷയ കേന്ദ്രങ്ങൾ സർക്കാർ ഓഫീസുകളോ അവിടെയുള്ളവർ സർക്കാർ അധികാരികളോ അല്ല. സർക്കാരിന്റെ ഓൺലൈൻ സേവനങ്ങൾ ചെയ്യാൻ ലൈസൻസ് കിട്ടിയിട്ടുള്ള സ്വകാര്യ സ്ഥാപനങ്ങൾ മാത്രമാണ്.  നിങ്ങൾക്ക് ആവശ്യമെങ്കിൽ മാത്രം അക്ഷയ സെന്ററുകളെ സമീപിച്ചാൽ മതിയാകും*

 ചില പ്രധാനപ്പെട്ട സർക്കാർ സംവിധാനങ്ങളുടെ ഓൺലൈൻ വിലാസം താഴെ കൊടുക്കുന്നു:

1. പാസ്പോർട്ട് എടുക്കാൻ:

http://www.passportindia.gov.in/

2. ഇൻകം ടാക്സ് PAN എടുക്കാൻ:

https://tin.tin.nsdl.com/pan/index.html 

3. വിവാഹ രജിസ്ട്രേഷൻ, ജനന / മരണ സർട്ടിഫിക്കറ്റുകളുടെ പ്രിന്റ് ഔട്ട് എടുക്കൽ:

https://cr.lsgkerala.gov.in

4. കെട്ടിട നികുതി :

tax.lsgkerala.gov.in

5. ഭൂ നികുതി:

http://www.revenue.kerala.gov.in

6. ഇലക്ട്രിസിറ്റി ബിൽ:

https://wss.kseb.in/selfservices/

7. ഫോൺ ബിൽ അടയ്ക്കാൻ:

portal.bsnl.in

8.വില്ലേജ് ഓഫീസുകളിൽ നിന്ന് ലഭ്യമാവുന്ന സർട്ടിഫിക്കറ്റുകൾ:

edistrict.kerala.gov.in

9. വിവിധ ആവശ്യങ്ങൾക്കുള്ള ചലാൻ തുക അടയ്ക്കാൻ :

etreasury.kerala.gov.in

10. സർക്കാർ തടി ഡിപ്പോകളിൽ നിന്ന് തടി ലേലത്തിൽ എടുക്കാൻ:

https://www.mstcecommerce.com/auctionhome/kfd/index.jsp

11. ആധാറിലെ തെറ്റുകൾ തിരുത്താൻ:

https://ssup.uidai.gov.in/update/

12. വോട്ടർ പട്ടികയിൽ പേര് ചേർക്കാൻ, തിരുത്താൻ:

http://ceo.kerala.gov.in/

13. മുഖ്യമന്ത്രിയുടെ ദുരിതാശ്വാസ നിധിയിൽ നിന്നുള്ള സഹായത്തിനായി  അപേക്ഷിക്കാൻ:

http://cmdrf.kerala.gov.in

14. എംപ്ളോയ്മെന്റ് എക്സ് ചേഞ്ചിൽ പേര് രജിസ്റ്റർ ചെയ്യാനും പുതുക്കാനും

http://employment.kerala.gov.in

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ഈ സന്ദേശം വാട്ട്സപ്പിൽ     ☆ ചെയ്ത് വെക്കുക; പ്രചരിപ്പിക്കുക.

Power of WhatsApp-child missing messages

Power of WhatsApp!*

*Reena:* My son is not going to school for last 3 months !!."😨

*Friend:* "Why what happened?"😧

*Reena:* " It is like this you know. One day my son went missing... my hubby uploaded a message on Whatsapp with his photo. He was found within 15 minutes. That was a big thanks to whatsapp...

But now it is been more than three months...He is not able to go to school...Because whenever people see him, they drop him back home as the message is still circulating on *WhatsApp*!!!! 😳😳😜🤣🤣

#PowerofWhatsapp

#Whatsapp

#Whatsap

#childmissing

#sonmissing